May. 6th, 2009 | 06:37 pm

those people you sometimes see, where a fist punches you in the chest and your walk falters a little, your heart sputters. you struggle like a spooked cat.

there are still songs that remind me of how I felt once years ago as if I were sent back there.
it sort of feels like… sitting in an old 70’s style office chair in a musty room… stained yellow with age, waiting for someone or something, and watching the dust pieces dance around sun rays… coming from in between the individual strips on some brown-colored blinds. yeah, a lot like that, and listening to these songs.
on the inside, it feels like everything after the moment i last remember listening to this song [the present, the now] was erased for a second. and i can see it clearly. it is just like being back there, the past, again.and it’s strange, awkward like you fidget a little in a chair, and you want to leave but  you aren’t sure if they’re just around the corner and about to walk into the room. it feels weird to breathe dust in the middle of a room.

sometimes i think about opening a window, see what would happen, if the light would change when the brown blinds were up higher and a blue sky was showing, would the room turn blue?

it’s different thinking.

it’s a different kind of feeling than i thought it would be.

what exactly is the point of life? in my world, there is no difference between being alive and having no life. who is to say that there is? the only way we know feeling is by relating it to non-feeling. which, in itself, is impossible. you cannot not feel, you are always alive, so how can you be so sure what it is to be not alive?

you can feel a stone, you can feel the cold. coldness, un-moving are both associated now with non-living. but i know a lot of cold and un-moving people. my only qualm with this is, do i have a life? hah. thinking about that makes me want to laugh.

I’d like to reach out and touch the things that i want. when i walk down the road, the air is hot and the sky is at dusk, the sun is holding my skin like a blanket. looking around, the trees and the grass seem to be going backwards while i am staying still. this moment is so similar to how we used to lay around and forget about everything. it’s crazy how much i remember everything you are. in a way, i believe that the feeling i have makes you as real as you need to be – for me. though you may not see me again, i can feel your influence in every dream i stop to think about. you’ve created something so amazing in my head, such a small time you were in my life and yet your influence branched out quickly and gripped like ivy growing up my legs. all of the pain and misery in life is nothing compared to the few minutes of pure imagery that plagues my brain when things are quiet.

i want to work out on the outside, i want to do pull-ups on monkey bars and i want to flip swings and play kickball like crazy. i want to sit outside in these summer nights and let the thousands of stars watch me enjoy a sinless smoke. perfection is held so close to me that i can’t help thinking about it.

if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s alright. as long as you are happy, i will be too.

(pictures unrelated)

meticulactuality

June 2, 2010

i can’t help myself when i see the little end of something sticking out, (like on a fingernail), i just have to pick, pick, pick at it, until i’ve successfully ripped it away and then i feel sort of let down because i would’ve rather it stayed where it was. or i wish the rip never happened at all. I think a lot of thoughts like this, ones that i can’t change, ones that will never change.

I can’t help but stare blindly in front of me not seeing what everyone else sees. i notice every little thing that is in front of me, sometimes behind and around me. i could stare at the ground forever and be completely contemplative.

Nothing really interests me anymore. at least not people. not just people, nobody. Though perhaps it isn’t the fact that everyone i meet is boring, maybe i just miss the old ones and there’s no more room in my body to store feelings for more people. ones whom i’ve already met, already fill my torso to the brim with goodness (goodness looks like the sun).

i feel like the train who just can’t get going most of the time.

i think it’s strange how the entire world is so malleable. i mean anything could happen, at any time, given the correct actions and reactions. I often sit and drift off, and i imagine the world coming to an end while i’m sitting there. just a fireball of death, or the building collapses, or the LHC successfully creates a black hole and in an instant, we are gone. forever. and it makes me jump back to reality, i look around, and try to calm myself. When i am given too much time to drift, things like that happen.
i can never stop thinking and drifting lately. to try to solidify my mind, i play games, which seems like the only think i can really focus on other than drawing. creating objects does alright too. but studying has increasingly became a nuisance. things that i am not interested in, i automatically defer from doing. (i guess this may be the same with people? strange.)

not only am i being lost inside an abyss of my own thoughts, i feel as though it’s seeping into my reality as well.

the feelings you get when you are left behind, like a hook was inserted right at the ribs and is pulling you backwards. your stomach is upset too. even when you expect them to leave you, as if they are going on a vacation, you know they will never come back (or at least you believe to the best of your ability. you also realize maybe…maybe there is a slight chance they will come back). this being so, they are dead to you, but not because you hate them or spite or anything. because they are no longer there, they are gone, they have flown off. and it usually leaves you wondering, why can’t i go with you? although you know it’s not possible. all the things you know are at your home location, your base, your structure. yet still, though the back of your mind (the logical part) knows that they did not intend ever to stay (and even if they told you this out loud!!!), the big emotional voice in your head, who usually is yelling, doesn’t believe it. you want so much more, but… you don’t want them to stay, at the same time.
because.. it’s really the fact that they left, that leaves you wanting more. if they nestled up to you, and stayed, they would become what you fear they REALLY are – a bore. like a bird who won’t leave you alone and you can hear it on the roof at night when you are falling asleep, and you wonder why it hasn’t migrated for winter.

and although things are difficult, i feel somehow content with myself anyways. i guess i just understand things better now. i’m already happy.

…for an unforeseen side effect

Transcribed and edited from the past.

Jun. 19th, 2009 | 01:08 pm

dreaming with our hands, dreaming with our minds

A cold, blue and black hallway in the same colored building, a lot of glowing metal laying around. It’s all very alien, but apparently I have been here many times before. Walking, perhaps running, trying to get to a class on time. I made it while kids were still standing around, talking.

Seeing old classmates in a new situation, saving a small furry creature in biology class. Then, nothing. No aim, no angle. Just leaving, walking around and yelling “Hello? Is anybody out there?”. Dreaming has been forgotten by others.

Somewhere that I used to go to all the time, yet now I live so far away in both space and time. It’s familiar yet old. It’s my elementary school. I can feel panic even though I can’t really see people. The sky is night, I can see through the windows, yet, there are strange streaks of red and orange that seem to yell ‘run’. I can tell something is going on, so I’m trying to find something. I run outside, to see a strange object crash onto the playground, turning it into just a field. Like in those movies, a UFO. I can see people, sort of, because they’re running so fast. A man comes out of the object. Tall, dark, sinister. He floats instead of walks. I hide behind a brick wall yet I can’t help but peak around the corner. “He won’t look at me, I’m only one of hundreds of children,” I think to myself, or perhaps yell it out loud because he slowly turns my way. Paralyzed with terror I can only wait for him. But a second later, not even, my feet begin to slowly rise. I’m floating, almost surfing, yes I’m surfing on the air, and I stumble as I skate away.

The man is talking to me now. “Where are you going? You can’t escape. I am the End, I will kill everyone”. I could hear his voice ringing though my ears as clear as if it was blasted to me. He has one of those movie antagonist voices that thunders into me. I think I’m crying, but I’m not sure because of the paralysis you get when you fear for your life in the first few minutes. But after that I can only feel numb.

A feeling of helplessness is overwhelming, but… I am superior because I can fly! the sensation lingers when I awake. although, so does the man’s voice.

longing

June 1, 2010

all of you.

a gentle touch on my side, the flutter of a hand spreading out and around sliding so softly downwards. it’s difficult to keep my eyes open, so they rise slowly and i see with my blurred view. the sky is blue, the clouds are white, the room is grey. the mask of sleep rests on my face, pressing on my head, and making me drowsy. perhaps this moment was like all the others for you, but this time, i stopped time. i left out the sound of the television behind me, and the hum of the air conditioner and the muffled sounds of people elsewhere in the house. in my head i said over and over, to remember this very moment and take one of those mental pictures, framed in glass. i had to struggle to hold onto this memory while i forgot countless others; it’s hard for me to remember much anymore. but it pulled through.

i can’t be sure, but i think i could feel my eyes start to warm up. you must have seen this, because your arms found each other and tightened behind the small of my back. i smiled into your shirt while my eyes filled up. even then, i could feel that this wouldn’t last nearly as long as i wished. it was then that i could almost feel it slip away, caught up in something i could never really know.  i let tears fall silently across my eyes, rolling over my nose in the most uncomfortable fashion. the unconscious part of me made itself known at that point; and i looked into a window which showed my blurry and dark future. and i remember turning away, rolling over on my other side so that you wouldn’t see what i saw.  it was black and it made me alarmed; but as quickly as it came, i shut my eyes completely and let myself return to you. this was my moment, and this was only mine. i knew then that it would never quite be ours, and none of this would ever come close to being yours. you had no idea at that time. you had no idea how you silently told me at this time what would become of us;

what we used to be, what we were, and what we would be – it all came together for me, in a rush of pictures and speechless anguish. it was horrifying and yet beautiful all at once.  it was and is, something so extremely difficult to comprehend and describe, even now.

it is longing.

all of you.