longing

June 1, 2010

all of you.

a gentle touch on my side, the flutter of a hand spreading out and around sliding so softly downwards. it’s difficult to keep my eyes open, so they rise slowly and i see with my blurred view. the sky is blue, the clouds are white, the room is grey. the mask of sleep rests on my face, pressing on my head, and making me drowsy. perhaps this moment was like all the others for you, but this time, i stopped time. i left out the sound of the television behind me, and the hum of the air conditioner and the muffled sounds of people elsewhere in the house. in my head i said over and over, to remember this very moment and take one of those mental pictures, framed in glass. i had to struggle to hold onto this memory while i forgot countless others; it’s hard for me to remember much anymore. but it pulled through.

i can’t be sure, but i think i could feel my eyes start to warm up. you must have seen this, because your arms found each other and tightened behind the small of my back. i smiled into your shirt while my eyes filled up. even then, i could feel that this wouldn’t last nearly as long as i wished. it was then that i could almost feel it slip away, caught up in something i could never really know.  i let tears fall silently across my eyes, rolling over my nose in the most uncomfortable fashion. the unconscious part of me made itself known at that point; and i looked into a window which showed my blurry and dark future. and i remember turning away, rolling over on my other side so that you wouldn’t see what i saw.  it was black and it made me alarmed; but as quickly as it came, i shut my eyes completely and let myself return to you. this was my moment, and this was only mine. i knew then that it would never quite be ours, and none of this would ever come close to being yours. you had no idea at that time. you had no idea how you silently told me at this time what would become of us;

what we used to be, what we were, and what we would be – it all came together for me, in a rush of pictures and speechless anguish. it was horrifying and yet beautiful all at once.  it was and is, something so extremely difficult to comprehend and describe, even now.

it is longing.

all of you.

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