June 2, 2010

i can’t help myself when i see the little end of something sticking out, (like on a fingernail), i just have to pick, pick, pick at it, until i’ve successfully ripped it away and then i feel sort of let down because i would’ve rather it stayed where it was. or i wish the rip never happened at all. I think a lot of thoughts like this, ones that i can’t change, ones that will never change.

I can’t help but stare blindly in front of me not seeing what everyone else sees. i notice every little thing that is in front of me, sometimes behind and around me. i could stare at the ground forever and be completely contemplative.

Nothing really interests me anymore. at least not people. not just people, nobody. Though perhaps it isn’t the fact that everyone i meet is boring, maybe i just miss the old ones and there’s no more room in my body to store feelings for more people. ones whom i’ve already met, already fill my torso to the brim with goodness (goodness looks like the sun).

i feel like the train who just can’t get going most of the time.

i think it’s strange how the entire world is so malleable. i mean anything could happen, at any time, given the correct actions and reactions. I often sit and drift off, and i imagine the world coming to an end while i’m sitting there. just a fireball of death, or the building collapses, or the LHC successfully creates a black hole and in an instant, we are gone. forever. and it makes me jump back to reality, i look around, and try to calm myself. When i am given too much time to drift, things like that happen.
i can never stop thinking and drifting lately. to try to solidify my mind, i play games, which seems like the only think i can really focus on other than drawing. creating objects does alright too. but studying has increasingly became a nuisance. things that i am not interested in, i automatically defer from doing. (i guess this may be the same with people? strange.)

not only am i being lost inside an abyss of my own thoughts, i feel as though it’s seeping into my reality as well.

the feelings you get when you are left behind, like a hook was inserted right at the ribs and is pulling you backwards. your stomach is upset too. even when you expect them to leave you, as if they are going on a vacation, you know they will never come back (or at least you believe to the best of your ability. you also realize maybe…maybe there is a slight chance they will come back). this being so, they are dead to you, but not because you hate them or spite or anything. because they are no longer there, they are gone, they have flown off. and it usually leaves you wondering, why can’t i go with you? although you know it’s not possible. all the things you know are at your home location, your base, your structure. yet still, though the back of your mind (the logical part) knows that they did not intend ever to stay (and even if they told you this out loud!!!), the big emotional voice in your head, who usually is yelling, doesn’t believe it. you want so much more, but… you don’t want them to stay, at the same time.
because.. it’s really the fact that they left, that leaves you wanting more. if they nestled up to you, and stayed, they would become what you fear they REALLY are – a bore. like a bird who won’t leave you alone and you can hear it on the roof at night when you are falling asleep, and you wonder why it hasn’t migrated for winter.

and although things are difficult, i feel somehow content with myself anyways. i guess i just understand things better now. i’m already happy.


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