More on Elsewhere

July 15, 2010

“everything here is so much harder to understand – elsewhere, it’s not so much that things make sense but there is a lack of a need to understand or interpret anything at all. i suppose i took this all for granted and perhaps that’s why i’m here. when will I return? when i sleep? when i die? when i sleep, I┬ádream of situations that feel so real to me, at times much more real than how I feel everything sitting here, sober, typing.
i want to conclude that this Elsewhere is bliss; there is a lack of freewill, sure. but there is a lack of a need for it. feelings aren’t so sharp and painful – they are represented by color, by warmth, by fuzziness. although perhaps this place is already heaven, for you have freewill, and maybe the place i’ve left, or will leave, or will enter, is true earth. I guess it doesn’t matter at all, since either one is truth depending only on my stance.
even my closest friends feel like strangers – but the strangers feel closer than ever. I think i have things backwards; as if reading through a mirror, much like how i used to write when i was younger – reality viewed similarly through my eyes, but i have things as a mirror-image of everyone else’s reality.
but who is to say everyone else’s reality fits into mine? for some reason, i feel the only time i see people is when their world intercepts mine in an imperfect way. otherwise they pass by me, in the blind spot of my vision, as if a passing blur of a whisper of someone.
I want to be okay with not being okay with things like this. Logic in the logical sense seems so nonsense to me, it’s confusing.”