bloody lips

September 10, 2010

the last word written, well, too hasty.

Arms almost feel as if they are detaching from my shoulders – not yours – but sounds tasty. shoes degrade like memories, sort of, under my feet. each step leads me closer to giving up. Why is there forget? thoughts like these, they’re tough.

A railroad is waiting for me somewhere, endless and open arms.

what form of movement to choose, that’s what stops me everyday. Restless legs go unsatisfied, I guess.

So the path I would’ve taken comes up in my dreams. i woke with bloody lips – perhaps way too often. maybe the other path led to some desire that would be my end.

i wake and smile, i can still move my legs. this is good enough, for me.

More on Elsewhere

July 15, 2010

“everything here is so much harder to understand – elsewhere, it’s not so much that things make sense but there is a lack of a need to understand or interpret anything at all. i suppose i took this all for granted and perhaps that’s why i’m here. when will I return? when i sleep? when i die? when i sleep, I dream of situations that feel so real to me, at times much more real than how I feel everything sitting here, sober, typing.
i want to conclude that this Elsewhere is bliss; there is a lack of freewill, sure. but there is a lack of a need for it. feelings aren’t so sharp and painful – they are represented by color, by warmth, by fuzziness. although perhaps this place is already heaven, for you have freewill, and maybe the place i’ve left, or will leave, or will enter, is true earth. I guess it doesn’t matter at all, since either one is truth depending only on my stance.
even my closest friends feel like strangers – but the strangers feel closer than ever. I think i have things backwards; as if reading through a mirror, much like how i used to write when i was younger – reality viewed similarly through my eyes, but i have things as a mirror-image of everyone else’s reality.
but who is to say everyone else’s reality fits into mine? for some reason, i feel the only time i see people is when their world intercepts mine in an imperfect way. otherwise they pass by me, in the blind spot of my vision, as if a passing blur of a whisper of someone.
I want to be okay with not being okay with things like this. Logic in the logical sense seems so nonsense to me, it’s confusing.”

May. 6th, 2009 | 06:37 pm

those people you sometimes see, where a fist punches you in the chest and your walk falters a little, your heart sputters. you struggle like a spooked cat.

there are still songs that remind me of how I felt once years ago as if I were sent back there.
it sort of feels like… sitting in an old 70’s style office chair in a musty room… stained yellow with age, waiting for someone or something, and watching the dust pieces dance around sun rays… coming from in between the individual strips on some brown-colored blinds. yeah, a lot like that, and listening to these songs.
on the inside, it feels like everything after the moment i last remember listening to this song [the present, the now] was erased for a second. and i can see it clearly. it is just like being back there, the past, again.and it’s strange, awkward like you fidget a little in a chair, and you want to leave but  you aren’t sure if they’re just around the corner and about to walk into the room. it feels weird to breathe dust in the middle of a room.

sometimes i think about opening a window, see what would happen, if the light would change when the brown blinds were up higher and a blue sky was showing, would the room turn blue?

it’s different thinking.

meticulactuality

June 2, 2010

i can’t help myself when i see the little end of something sticking out, (like on a fingernail), i just have to pick, pick, pick at it, until i’ve successfully ripped it away and then i feel sort of let down because i would’ve rather it stayed where it was. or i wish the rip never happened at all. I think a lot of thoughts like this, ones that i can’t change, ones that will never change.

I can’t help but stare blindly in front of me not seeing what everyone else sees. i notice every little thing that is in front of me, sometimes behind and around me. i could stare at the ground forever and be completely contemplative.

Nothing really interests me anymore. at least not people. not just people, nobody. Though perhaps it isn’t the fact that everyone i meet is boring, maybe i just miss the old ones and there’s no more room in my body to store feelings for more people. ones whom i’ve already met, already fill my torso to the brim with goodness (goodness looks like the sun).

i feel like the train who just can’t get going most of the time.

i think it’s strange how the entire world is so malleable. i mean anything could happen, at any time, given the correct actions and reactions. I often sit and drift off, and i imagine the world coming to an end while i’m sitting there. just a fireball of death, or the building collapses, or the LHC successfully creates a black hole and in an instant, we are gone. forever. and it makes me jump back to reality, i look around, and try to calm myself. When i am given too much time to drift, things like that happen.
i can never stop thinking and drifting lately. to try to solidify my mind, i play games, which seems like the only think i can really focus on other than drawing. creating objects does alright too. but studying has increasingly became a nuisance. things that i am not interested in, i automatically defer from doing. (i guess this may be the same with people? strange.)

not only am i being lost inside an abyss of my own thoughts, i feel as though it’s seeping into my reality as well.

the feelings you get when you are left behind, like a hook was inserted right at the ribs and is pulling you backwards. your stomach is upset too. even when you expect them to leave you, as if they are going on a vacation, you know they will never come back (or at least you believe to the best of your ability. you also realize maybe…maybe there is a slight chance they will come back). this being so, they are dead to you, but not because you hate them or spite or anything. because they are no longer there, they are gone, they have flown off. and it usually leaves you wondering, why can’t i go with you? although you know it’s not possible. all the things you know are at your home location, your base, your structure. yet still, though the back of your mind (the logical part) knows that they did not intend ever to stay (and even if they told you this out loud!!!), the big emotional voice in your head, who usually is yelling, doesn’t believe it. you want so much more, but… you don’t want them to stay, at the same time.
because.. it’s really the fact that they left, that leaves you wanting more. if they nestled up to you, and stayed, they would become what you fear they REALLY are – a bore. like a bird who won’t leave you alone and you can hear it on the roof at night when you are falling asleep, and you wonder why it hasn’t migrated for winter.

and although things are difficult, i feel somehow content with myself anyways. i guess i just understand things better now. i’m already happy.